Sujatha Says, “STOP!”
Sujatha finally declared that he changed his e-mail address from firstname.lastname@example.org to ???(We don’t know yet). He remarks that the trash mails, which he got from people, have reduced (not stopped). He had let go his email address for public a couple of years ago in his site. I thought that sooner or later he is going to regret this decision.
Whats funny about that? A contemporary writer giving his email address to his fans. It’s a lot different in Tamil world. You tend to get some weird emails from people and the extent of misuse has no limits. Only a meticulous observer like sujatha can mock at these cliched emails, with humor. I want to try and imagine some of those emails, which he would have probably got in the last few years. This list does not encompass wet pussy, organ enlargement and I-am-horny-horny stuff mails. Those are considered spam. And if hotmail does not cut short those spams, we are going to have the name changed to hornymail. So I would have email@example.com (obnoxious! isn’t it).
Here we go with the imaginary list of emails sent to writer sujatha. Not all are imaginary; many could possibly be true. Sentences after dashes in the sentences below are Sujatha’s might-be thoughts. Being a diehard fan of sujatha, I must be right at some places. Some are just pure fun.
a. Review the poetry that I have written – I ain’t Shakespeare. Send it firstname.lastname@example.org
b. Need a chance to showcase my acting skills – Give me a break. Mani Ratnam is searching for three young heroes for his next film. Not me. But anyway Mani Ratnam is trying to book Madhavan and Arvind swamy for the first 2 heroes. Next one could be you! Send it atleast to Suhasini. Visit www.suhasini.com.
c. Give me tips to write for films – Read my latest book Thiraikathai Ezhuthuvathu Eppadi (How to write screenplays?). Not so short for an email and you could also give me some royalty. News to you is that all the copies are sold out.
d. Here’s my Haiku – I can’t publish everything in Katrathum Petrathum (Anandha Vikatan). I need to write some of my own stuff there. And hey!! I am not in reviewing business. Those links in my essays are only good stuff that I have come across. I mean good stuff. Get it!
e. Do u know Mani Ratnam/Rajiv Menon – Yeah !! I know them so what should I do now. If you are a software engineer in US and need to jump into movies, I am not the right channel. Meet Mani Ratnam in Alwarpet or Rajiv Menon in Mylapore. But before that check out your bank accounts. Film career needs excessive patience and hard work unlike coding for 2 hours, having coffee, cigarettes and flirting for 3 hours and browsing for 3 hours like in software business.
f. I am your Biggest Fan!! Read Ahead now, please – Now, don’t flatter me to read your mail which proves you haven’t read my writings beyond Ganesh & Vasant. Also read my Azhwargal ; Oru Elliya Arimugam (Kumudam Bhakthi), Engey Kadavul (Vin Nayagan), Anithavin Kathalgal (Vikatan) and also Guru Prasadin Kadaisi Dhinam for a better perspective of my writings.
g. Your essay SUCKS!! Bill Gates Rocks – I know a few more people got upset on my Bill Gates essay in Junior Vikatan. But then I meant that. God Bless Microsoft world!! Long Live LINUX. BTW are you from Microsoft?
h. Need of money for my daughters Kindergarten admission – This is getting too much dude. I don’t have a financial institution. I live in a flat in mandaveli. Though I pretty rich enough, I am no way involved in speculation. And also read in your stars this week that speculation isn’t all that good for me. Try Sundaram Finance.
i. Your writing is Bullshit – Heck!! One of the thousand mails I get. Not that I declare you down but you are yet another impulsive dude out there. But you go on. Keep commenting.
j. Inaugrating Meenakshi Cutpiece Junction – What ?? You are inviting me to open your women’s clothing shop in Kutchery Road, Call Rambha or Meena or even Mumtaz. I go only to Nithyashree and Aruna Sairam’s Carnatic shows.
k. Tamil Nambi Publishers from Jeyankondan – Sorry I have already accepted to publish all coming books with Uyirmai Publishers. Manushya Puthran is whom you need to get it done. He is my publisher. Didn’t you see Madras Book Fair? He re-released 6 books of mine and they sold out pretty fast.
l. Loved your Srirangathu Devathaigal – Thanks for that. Also read Nilla Nizhal. This is cricket season and so I recommend that book of cricket.
m. Why are u called sujatha? – Yeah, I am Rangarajan. Pen named as Sujatha, my wife. Is that a crime?
n. Rajini’s Priya movie was nice – I don’t want to talk about that anymore. It’s a old old story. Bad Adaptation. Delete the mail immediately.
o. Kamal’s Vikram, atleast? – Oops!! You seem not to stop. Vikram was also a bad adaptation and also it came in the wrong time. Sci-fi thrillers are not for Tamil folks. Keep watching MALAI MALAI songs. Come to this age. How was dialogues of Kannathil Muthamittal?
p. Check out Santa-Banta jokes – Come on guys!! Don’t add me to your group’s list and keep forwarding such Sardar jokes and Shakeela Pics. I am out of these. I am 65 plus already.
q. Family problem !! Please solve – I am not Mathrubhutam to solve your sex issues not Actress Lakhsmi to make your cry in my show. This is the end. It is getting too much. Let me change my email address, which you guys cannot guess.
r. Don’t try cheating by saying you changed your mail address – Oh ! my god. Someone please stop this. I have seriously changed my email address. I am still hanging on to because I rarely get some good mails, unlike this.
Don’t they sound so true? These are however imaginary thoughts and mails but think if they are true, how will a celebrity ever pass his email.
Quick Guess: Sujatha’s latest email – email@example.com. Isn’t that funny?